So…here’s the thing…
I opened my new clinic 12 months ago. Then at Christmas decided to re-jig it from one to two treatment rooms. I’ve spent the last 3 years moving my children from one rental house to another whilst I extended and developed properties. All so I could eventually create and build my own home for me and the boys. We finally moved in this January…two weeks after the new ‘re-jigged clinic’ reopened (January was a little nuts).
Not being content with just a new treatment room, I decided this would be the perfect time (?!?) to research and launch my own product range which would look beautiful within my new clinic and home. All while trying to source (and keep) good staff, promote and run retreats and be a mum to two boys, one who is sitting exams to go to senior school. Exhausted.com
Sometimes I ask myself why I do all this? What’s the point? I could probably have a pretty content existence just keeping ‘still’ for a moment. Just doing my day job…massaging my regular clients and knocking off work at 5pm and turning all gadgets off by 6pm.
I did yoga 3 times on my retreat last week. 3 TIMES!!! That’s loads. In fact, that totals 6 times this year (as i also did it 3 times on the January retreat). Why am I not an enlightened soul?. Why have I not slowed down and realised I need to just ‘be’ and not strive to constantly do better and achieve? Surely for a busy person 6 sessions of yoga is enough??
Clearly not! Needless to say, I’ve come back full blast into work, motherhood and trying to find a stockist for my new range. I suppose it was possibly a little too much to ask of our lovely yoga teacher, Rachel, in those few sessions to bring me inner peace…I mean she’s good, but not even her classes could get me to that point.
I suppose the one thing that all this has in common is ‘creation’. I am a sucker for having creativity around me. The drive to create something that I am proud of and reflects who I am and what I believe in. Its not always easy…sometimes I think I don’t really know who I am…or even worse, feel I can be a chameleon…changing from one thing to another. The phrase ‘consistently inconsistent” springs to mind in describing my nature.
There are times when I feel an utter failure…trying to accomplish so much I fail at everything. When my kids pull a blanket over me at 8.30pm in the evening because I’ve fallen asleep on the sofa having had a glass of wine and they are putting themselves to bed, I don’t feel particularly amazing about myself I have to say.
But when I speak to my girlfriends, I realise we are all in a similar position. Whether we’re married, single, working, stay-at-home mums we’re all just trying our hardest to hold what we have around us together in some functioning format. Going through the same inner struggles. For me, that’s earning an income, whilst doing something I enjoy without working so much I lose the passion for it, and simply trying to be the best parent I can possibly be the whole time. No wonder I’m in bed by 9pm!! Not exactly rock ’n’ roll.
I realise most of the time that it’s not other people putting the pressure on us but us putting pressure on ourselves to be great at everything. But the fact is, we’re not. I’m definitely not. I try…I really, really try…but while I was away working this week, in an amazing environment with some amazing people, the one thing I wanted to do was be at home with my children. Everyone thinks everyone else’s lives are so great. Don’t get me wrong…if someone told me they were going to Ibiza for a week to stay in a luxury villa with a chef and to massage people in the open air with the birds singing and the breeze gently blowing through the trees…I certainly wouldn’t be feeling sorry for them. But it’s not real life. Real life, it seems, is busting a gut so you can be with the people who matter to you. At some point you have to draw a line and say you can’t do more than you’re doing.
I will always strive to do well in whatever I turn my hand to. But I hope one day…maybe after more than 6 yoga sessions a year…I will get to the point when I think ‘enough’. And feel happy with that.
But that feels a bit of a namaste away for now :-)